


Silver and Fire

by Xenon (Xe_r0)



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Hidden Relationship, M/M, Romance, Rules, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:54:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26303017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xe_r0/pseuds/Xenon
Summary: Sometimes, being together can be as hard as being apart.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel & Main Character, Han Jumin/Zen | Ryu Hyun
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	1. Drown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zen thought he had moved on and the trust-fund-jerk's engagement was none of his business. However, Jumin's cold gazes were a punch in his gut and all he could do was drown his pain with alcohol and smiles. And Jumin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Everything was back to normal and Zen would not wish for anything that could disrupt the _status quo_ once again. Or so he thought he would. 

  
The party was effulgent. The overall ambiance of the hall had affected him to the point of feeling light-headed so here he was, all smiles and laughter, full of enthusiasm and energy. Being Zen. Talking to people in general always made him feel assured and fulfilled. This was all he needed. Foolish of him to even try seeking for an alternative. Yes, that was all there was to _it_. An alternative.

  
"I think you're drinking too much," commented Jaehee, glancing at his right hand that was clutching a glass of whisky, as he joined her on the corner. The party was almost done and only a few guests had remained. Zen ignored her remarks and took a gulp from the glass.

  
"Nothing I can't handle, _babe_ ," he muttered and winked. Jaehee's cheeks reddened. Zen chuckled. Seeing Jaehee's reaction sprinkled sugar to his vanity.

  
Jaehee cleared her throat. "I'm just worried. I suggest you don't drive home after the party."

  
Yoosung and Saeyoung's head popped out of Jaehee's back and Jaehee's lips only twitched at the act made by the two partners in crime. The two utter their dismay and promised one day to make Jaehee let out a more humane reaction. 

  
"You're still more or less a robot like Jumin Han," remarked Saeyoung. At the mentioned of Jumin's name, Zen quickly gave his full attention to the glass as if the crystal brim was interesting enough. He needed a refill. He was about to excuse himself when out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed a tall figure beside Yoosung. He looked up and he almost choked on air when he met Jumin's calculating dark gazes. The trust-fund-jerk had approached them without his notice. Maybe, he had too much alcohol in his system that his awareness was waning. Still, he would prefer to get drown in whisky rather than in Jumin's eyes.

  
"I'm not a robot and that's fairly obvious, Saeyoung," Jumin said in his ever baritone voice but eyes still locked at Zen's. The albino decided to look away uncomfortably. Why were Jumin's gaze always intense? Was the trust-fund-jerk aware of it? Or was Zen just being self-conscious? No one in the RFA other than themselves knew about their former relationship. Well, probably except Saeyoung. The hacker almost knew anything so it would not surprise him. And if every gaze Jumin threw at Zen was this intense, then the others would surely notice. Therefore, Zen was just being too conscious of him. He felt Jumin's gaze linger for a moment until Saeyoung mentioned somethibg about Jumin's cat. He could not listen to their conversation since he could not focus. Not that he wanted to in the first place.

  
"How unusual. Zen's quiet," commented Saeyoung. Zen cursed the red-head in his head. Why did he have to comment to everything?

  
"Just tired," he said. He was not lying. Somehow, he became tired. All his enthusiasm suddenly evaporated. Standing there, being conscious about Jumin's gestures out of the corner of his eyes and listening to his voice were very taxing activities. And he did not know why he was putting himself in that situation.

  
Jumin's gaze landed on him again but only for a short moment. "Let him be. I deserve a peaceful evening."

  
"Your comment is unnecessary jerk. I don't want my perfect night to get ruined by conversing with you," he said and glared at the heir's way before striding away from them. He heard Saeyoung whistled and Yoosung laughed. His neck itched for wanting to look back and see Jumin's stupid expression even though he knew that the heir would just be as stoic as rock. Even a stoic rock was more pleasing to look at than Jumin Han so he ignored the itch and grabbed a glass of champagne that the waiter was serving. 

  
The party ended and the crew had started cleaning the hall. Yoosung had been yawning non-stop so MC and Saeyoung decided to be the first to go home and take Yoosung with them. Jaehee, being the main host of the event, was instructing the cleaning crew. Jumin was nowhere to be seen so Zen thought that the trust-fund-jerk was already on his way home to his beloved cat. Zen, on the other hand, was standing on the corner. He was too light-headed and confused to do anything. 

  
Jaehee approached him after she's done talking to the cleaning crew. A look of concern was plastered on her face. "Zen, you're too drunk to drive. Why don't you let Mr. Ha---Jumin drop you off to your apartment?" 

  
Oh right, he had to go home too. But the way Jaehee was trying her best to get used to calling the trust-fund-jerk Jumin instead of _Mr. Han_ made him chuckle despite himself. Jaehee was too cute. However, when her words finally sank in his head, he frowned and waved his hands in front of Jaehee as well as shook his head to emphasize that that was a bad suggestion. Very bad.

  
"Either I or him will be found dead tomorrow if we share a small space," he muttered. The fact that Zen could still articulate words well meant that he was not that drunk. Or that was what he was telling himself. "I'll be just a reach away from strangling him to death.

  
Jaehee's long hair swayed as she chuckled from his remarks. Too much had changed since Jaehee quit being Jumin's assisstant which implied that being around Jumin Han would not do anyone any good. Personality-wise. He hoped that Yoosung would be alright and not end up taking over Jaehee's misfortune. 

  
He heard Jaehee clearing her throat and sighed. "I thought the two of you were getting along a couple of weeks ago. Mr.---Jumin can be unbearable at times but still. He's caring especially when it comes to the RFA members."

  
Zen pursed his lips thin and chose not to give Jaehee an answer. He already knew that. He knew that behind the cold and stoic armor of a Jumin Han, he cared for his family and the RFA in his trust-fund-jerk's way. However, he would never tell anyone that. He could acknowledge it in his head but would never form those thoughts into words. Doing so would be like punching himself on the stomach.

  
He was about to sip whatever beverage from his glass again but someone else prevented that from happening by grabbing the glass off his hand. Zen cursed under his breath and glared of what he thought was Jaehee but ended up to be the man he had been avoiding for the past weeks.

  
"Do you even know how drunk you look?" Jumin inquired without any obvious emotion clinging to his voice. 

"It's none of your business," he managed to say.

  
"Yeah. It isn't. The message was clear. You made sure of it."

  
Zen could only look up and met the icy stare of silver orbs. He was not sure what Jumin was talking about. Or at least, he did not want to let it sink. Or his mind which he flooded with alcohol would not do the comprehension for him which was actually doing him a favor. And his mind would not even register to him what was happening. He thought he was drowning in the bottom of the darkest ocean and on the surface, he could occasionally see the silver moon. He was unable to breathe and could only cling to the familiar warmth of Jumin's neck contradicting those cold gazes ocassionally thrown to him during the party.  
He could hear someone grasped in a distance but the sound seemed so far away that Zen could not be bothered.

He was still drowning.

  
\-----

Saying that Jaehee was shocked was an understatement. She was flabbergasted, the cells in her body which had spent all their energy were now making a ruckus as if a lightning had just struck her. Still, her brain was unable to process what she was witnessing. The cleaning crew has shared her sentiments and when she realized that, she panicked. 

  
_Oh. God!_

  
"W-what's the meaning of this?" she managed to blurt out.

  
She heard her former employer sigh but Jumin was still calm despite what Zen did. Jaehee's head ached. What did Zen did again? Oh yeah, he just kissed Jumin in front of her and with other people around. He just kissed Jumin in front of her. _He just kissed Jumin_ \---

  
And now the actor was comfortably leaning his head on the crook of Jumin's neck, probably sleeping or too wasted to move while the other man protectively had his arms around Zen's waist, supporting the actor not to fall. Why were the two seemed too comfortable with the skinship? 

  
"Let's just consider this one of Zen's drunken stupor," Jumin answered a bit too calmly. "It happens sometimes."

  
_Oh God!_

  
Jaehee sure knew that was not the case. She had been around a drunk Zen, the other RFA members too and she sure that despite being a natural flirt, Zen did not go around kissing people out of the blue. And this was Jumin Han, someone Zen disliked or at least that was what the silverette tried to come across. And it happened sometimes? Jumin should not added the last sentence. It gave Jaehee unnecessary ideas as her analytical brain tried to connect some dots even though she did not want to. She did not want to know that Zen had kissed Jumin more than once when drunk. She did not even want to consider that happening. And her brain was not asking when did that ever happen. Why they hadn't witnessed it unfolding.

For the third time, she thought, _Oh God!_

  
"Let's keep it like that Miss Kang. It's nothing that the others should be bothered to be aware of."

  
Jumin Han was not being direct which was unusual for him but Jaehee understood the message. Her former employer was telling him not to tell a soul about it.

  
She nodded her head. She was not planning to anyway. She did not even know how. Jaehee was not prejudiced but what transpired in front of her was impossible. But it happened so it was not impossible anymore.

  
"I'll make sure Zen will arrive home safely," Jumin added. 

  
"It's funny how drunk people behaves," she commented, enough for the cleaning crew to hear what she said. She tried a chuckle but it came out as a nervous noise.


	2. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zen was a territory Jumin had no energy to explore more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a bit (just a bit) of angst to lighten up your day. Or wait, isn't that the purpose of angst? Oh well.

Jumin thought he was rather good at suppressing and ignoring feelings. He had been doing that since forever and there should be nothing that could make his emotions get the best of him. Turned out that _nothing_ was named Zen. Jumin thought he was a rock. But Zen was an earthquake and made him realize that he was a dormant volcano, waiting for the right opportunity to wake up and Zen happened. He erupted. And for someone who tend to prioritize not to experience negative feelings in deciding to want something to happen again, an eruption caused by Zen should only happen once. No matter what other feelings he had felt within the duration of being in a relationship with the silverette. Once was enough. Their relationship was the biggest blunder of Jumin Han's life. 

So the kiss did not mean anything to him. It did not make him feel something. The passion, the heat, the warmth in the chest and the anxiety building in the pit of his stomach when they shared a kiss before had long been stored at the far reaches of his mind, within lock and key. Zen made an eruption out of him remember? Therefore, there was nothing left for him to offer. There was nothing left for him to feel. He could leave Zen on the street and he would still sleep soundly afterwards. But just because he could meant that he would. It was illogical. He would never stooped that low and act like a jerk just to make a point. 

It was difficult, considering how the actor's stubbornness raised significantly under the influence of too much alcohol, but he managed to shove Zen into the backseat of the limousine without his driver's help. He told the driver Zen's address once he had also settled inside. But as soon as the limo moved, Zen vomited like there was no tomorrow. Jumin was not annoyed. Not at all. 

"Why are you being so irresponsible? You're already past the age of not knowing your limits." His voice came out as collected, calm and as how Zen would chose to phrase it, _pretentious_. Not being affected by anything was something he was proud of. It was an asset while doing business and doing personal matters as well. 

Zen did not answer or was not capable of doing so. Jumin just instructed the driver to open the windows to lessen the intensity of the pungent smell. When Zen stopped vomiting, he heard the actor cursed under his breath. He seemed confused when he looked at Jumin as if he just noticed that he was not alone and someone was responsible enough to take him home. Vomiting might have made him a little less drunk. 

To his surprise--- _no he wasn't_ , the albino reached out to touch his face. The moment Zen's fingers met his bare skin, he flinched and the act made the actor retreat his hand and pressed it on his own lap. "What are you doing?"

"Jumin... Jumin---I," and just like that Zen began crying, unable to articulate something in his head. Jumin was dumbfounded--- _no he wasn't_. It was the second time he saw Zen crying. The first time was when they found out that there was more to the intense feeling in their chest when around each other than just pure despise. Jumin was quick to throw water on the warmth that was slowly creeping inside his chest--- _no, there wasn't_ , as he watched the albino cry. Zen was hurt. That was obvious and Jumin was not dense enough not to comprehend that. However, he had no urge to understand the implication of Zen's actions. He just sighed and hearing him did so made Zen cry even more.

He was still crying when they reached his apartment. It was even more difficult to get the albino out of the limo and he had to request help from his driver. Zen had never been this unbearable before and Jumin was on the verge of getting angry--- _no_ , he was just tired and considering to just toss Zen out and leave. But he was Jumin Han and would not stoop that low as to be a jerk just to make a point. So, he accompanied the albino into entering his apartment and even fetched a glass of water for him as the albino was sitting on the sofa and continued being difficult. Zen was ungrateful and did not accept the water. Jumin bit his lower lip and sighed. Whatever. Zen would be fine on his own. 

He set the glass of water on the table in front of the sofa and Jumin was about to leave but the albino prevented him by hugging him clumsily from behind. 

Somewhere in Jumin's head, a nerve snapped--- _no there wasn't_. But Zen murmured, "Jumin... I'm sorry. Jumin."

 _That's it_. Heat rose toward his head. Jumin was angry. He did not control his force and the next thing he knew, the actor was on the floor, looking up at him. His hair was an untangled mess. His clothes was worn-out and there were traces of vomit in them. Zen looked like a child who had his toy stolen. Jumin had never seen him like this. He never wished to. Zen looked so small and pitiful. His eyes were fluffed and begging. Begging him to do what exactly? 

How about the times Jumin begged Zen to stay? The unanswered calls? The messages left on seen? The pain he bore alone because V was not there for him anymore? How about the obvious avoidance in the chatroom? Or the knocks left ignored? Two months. He suffered for two months. He overworked himself and almost stayed in his office 24/7, not wanting to go home to his house because the emptiness choked him. He even neglected Elizabeth 3rd and that's something he could never forgive himself. And he promised himself and his beloved pet never to go through that hell once again.

After those two months, they managed to return to bickering once and for all, though less intensely because both had become indifferent, especially Jumin who more or less ignored Zen's presence in the chatroom and only commented when the need arised to avoid suspicion. The other RFA members thought it was a sign that their relationship was improving. No, it was a sign of their relationship finally ending. At least, the romantic one that had once become Jumin's outlet, thinking that the threads in his head would finally untangle themselves to make him feel human again but that was not what on Zen's mind all along. Their relationship had been nothing to him but a mere fling. And _now_? 

"Why are you doing this now? Why are you being difficult? I was willing to bend my own rules. But you made a choice Zen. Live with that." 

He turned on his heel and left Zen there. He took a deep breath before he entered the limo once again. The smell of vomit still lingered even though his driver had already cleaned the mess, a reminder of Zen's presence. It would linger until he arrived home. He realized that his hand was trembling. He knew it would only stop once he pet Elizabeth 3rd and after a few glasses of wine. _Weak_ , he thought to himself. He rested his head on the headrest and closed his eyes. Zen's messy appearance was engraved into his mind and even though he was Jumin Han and was used to suppress his emotions, seeing Zen like that had been painful and the pain became evident now.

 _So much for being unaffected Jumin_ , he thought bitterly and he could only let a curse echo in his head until his head throbbed. He was tired and more annoyed with himself than with Zen. Jumin would not let this happen again. Unnecessary interactions should be avoided in the near future. How many times should he kept reminding himself that? Shrugging, he got his phone, unlocked it and opened the RFA chatroom. He did not bother to see who was online and typed a message.

 **Jumin Han** : _If you ever see Zen drink too much, make sure to stop him. Or don't if you are willing enough to babysit him. I'm not willing to do the job anymore._

He locked his phone and slipped it into his pocket, ignoring the messages that came after his. Sighing, he massage his temple. Zen was a territory Jumin had no energy to explore more. He hoped that his ex-lover would stop being difficult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been ages since I last played the game so pardon my poor character portrayal.


	3. Combustion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment Jumin's hand made contact with his wrist for the first time, he felt electrocuted. It's funny how his despise was getting into him, not only making his head throb but also making his chest ablaze. It was the most unpleasant feeling he ever experienced, yet when the raven-haired heir released his grip with a frown, a pang in his chest bloomed. To his horror, he wanted Jumin to touch him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. In terms of timeline, this chapter would be the earliest.  
> 2\. MC and Saeyoung are engaged.   
> 3\. Jaehee is not Jumin's secretary anymore and is working at her own cafe with MC.  
> 4\. Yoosung will going to be an intern in C&R  
> 5\. Echo girl haven't happened yet.   
> 6\. Zen is beautiful and Jumin is handsome. This is not a side comment. Just stating a fact.

Despite being emotional, Zen made sure that in anything he felt and everything he did, there's a sensible reason behind them. Yes, he was a very passionate person, not that practical, but he ran away from home at the very young age because if he stayed, he would never find happiness. Acting brought him joy and gave him purpose. For him, it was sensible enough. And he would never love something or despise someone just because. Then there's Jumin Han.

He could never really fathom why just the thought of him, just the sound of his voice, turn him into a ball of emotional rage. It was like Jumin existed just to make Zen hate him. Sure, the trust-fund-jerk reminded him of his brother but he never really developed hatred toward his brother. He felt frustrated with himself because of that. It meant that he was giving Jumin attention even if it's negative attention. He wanted to indifferent about the other person because vehemence wouldn't do him any good and it was taxing, considering that they belonged to the same charity organization. 

"I told you, I'm not going to. How difficult is that to understand jerk?" he exclaimed, hands flying in front of his face, fingers bending into a fist, in raw frustration. 

Jumin looked at him like he was the stupidest human that ever walked on the surface of Earth." You are the one who don't get it Zen," the heir muttered calmly and even sipped wine. Jumin was sitting primly on Saeyoung's sofa, leg crossed the other and head tilted to rest his cheek on his hand, elbowing the armrest of the couch. _What does he think he is? A pretentious king?_

Zen on the other hand was sitting on the floor with the other RFA members. Saeyoung was beside him, silently observing Jumin and Zen banter with raw amusement. Zen could never understand why it amused the hacker and he would never bother to ask. MC too was suppressing laughter besides Saeyoung while holding the red-head's hand and leaning on his shoulder. Her red cheeks implied that she had a glass of wine or two. Jaehee was frowning, momentarily glancing at Yoosung who was lying on his stomach, clutching a beer in hand and was not moving. He definitely had too much to drink. It was the first time that Yoosung drank alcohol. They let him be. They were gathered together in Saeyoung's place as a celebration for his graduation after all. Saeran was in his room, as usual. 

"Just accept the job," added Jumin Han. "I'll pay accordingly."

Zen hissed at him. Jumin's too predictable and all about money this and money that. The jerk was insensitive and close-minded with regards to other people's feelings. "No freaking way. I don't want your money. And how many times should I remind you that I'm allergic to stupid cats?" he exclaimed. 

"I'm sure it's not something a medicine couldn't suppress," Jumin answered flatly. "And cats aren't stupid. They're the most elegant and beautiful creatures I've ever seen especially Elizabeth 3rd."

"You should have brought Elly with you Jumin. I'm sure she misses me as much as I miss her~," said Saeyoung.

Jumin gave the hacker a look of disapproval. "Her name is Elizabeth 3rd. She doesn't miss you. She cannot be in a room with you, considering how much you abuse her."

Saeyoung whined, "It's my way of showing my love~."

Then suddenly, Yoosung lifted his head and muttered sluggishly, "That's how you show affection to MC too?" 

MC's cheeks reddened more and Saeyoung seemed embarrassed too. "Is it?" Yoosung pressed but then buried his face on the floor again, muttering something incomprehensible. Saeyoung and MC remained silent and to their surprise, Jumin chuckled. The trust-fund-jerk just chuckled. Zen and the others, had to avert their attention to where Jumin was to make certain it was Jumin who made the sound and not Satan who was passing by. And sure, Jumin's lips were curled into a residue of a smile. Zen thought that the apocalypse was doomed to happen soon. 

"That's not something to laugh about Jumin," MC commented. She had somehow regained her composure and chuckled. 

Jumin rose one of his brow. "Oh. It isn't? I find it amusing that the two of you are embarrassed when the talk about affection arises when we're already used to the two of you having some light to mild public displays of affection." 

MC blushed once again and buried her face on Saeyoung's shoulders. Saeyoung laughed.

"So how do you show your affection jerk?" Zen asked, taking a gulp from the beer can. It was still his second can and still as sober as without any amount of alcohol in his system. Not sure why he asked Jumin that question though. He was not curious at all. He probably not want to see MC be embarrassed more in order to amuse the trust-fund-jerk. 

Jumin looked at him intently, a smile outlining his lips. Why was the jerk smiling? Was the wine getting to him? The rare sight of Jumin smiling was taking him off-guard. Zen wasn't drinking coffee wasn't he? So, why were his nerves _slightly_ making a fuss? 

"Don't you already know that?"

Frowning, he asked. "Why would I know? How would I?" 

"I'm sure it's petting," commented Jaehee who was now eating pizza. 

"No Jaehee," MC muttered and glanced at Zen meaningfully. "I think that Jumin's the type to tease someone he likes."

Zen laughed at that and gave MC a wink. _Good one, MC_. "See, even MC realized that you are just an insensitive grade-schooler under an armor of wealth."

"Zen that's---," MC muttered but was interrupted by Jumin.

"But what about you Zen? What's under your vanity? Or perhaps that's all you've got and you keep declining my offer because you're afraid that I'll realize you're not good as you let on."

The room fell silent. MC, Saeyoung and Jaehee were evidently shocked.

Then, Jaehee broke the silence and said, "Mr. Han, Zen is the most talented---."

Zen did not saw it coming. He blacked out and the sound of hand slapping someone pulled him to consciousness. He found himself standing in front of Jumin. His palm was stinging and Jumin's left cheek was red, head slightly tilted to the right. But the sting on his palm could not equate the sting in his chest. Jumin's words were like a rusty arrow piercing through his heart. 

He turned on his heel and ignored MC calling his name. There was no way he would stay there. The pain turned into hatred and another minute in Jumin's presence would make him insane and probably strangle the jerk to death. He's confident that he's strong enough to make that happen. 

He was near to where his motorcycle was parked when he heard the baritone voice of Jumin calling his name.

"Leave me alone," he exclaimed and fasten his face. "Go to hell jerk!" 

However, Jumin was fast and caught up on him. The moment Jumin's hand made contact with his wrist for the first time, he felt electrocuted. It's funny how his despise was getting into him, not only making his head throb but also making his chest ablaze. 

"I'm sorry. I---," Jumin sighed. "I didn't mean it."

He could not look Jumin in the eye because he was too focused on the feeling of his hand on his wrist. It was the most unpleasant feeling he ever experienced, yet when the raven-haired heir released his grip with a frown, a pang in his chest bloomed. To his horror, he wanted Jumin to touch him more.

"Zen."

Zen regained his composure, said flatly, "Just leave me alone, Jumin," and walked away from the heir towards his motorcycle. Jumin just stood there and watched him skidded out the parking lot.

Zen was on his wit's ends. He thought that there must be something wrong with him for in that single touch, he had anticipated that he's on the brink of ruin, like he was about to make a decision so momentously bad that it is beyond comprehension. But then again when did anything ever make sense when it came to Jumin Han? 


	4. Slow-Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It confused him because at the moment, he was not despising Jumin. However, he was still feeling the same thing and at the same time, completely different. It wasn't like a blazing flame but more like a slow-burn and Zen could only look away from Jumin's deep silver gaze to ignore whatever it was that had been creeping in his chest.

**Zen** : My hand is blesding.

 **MC** : Bless us! 

**707** : BLESS ME~❤️

_Jumin Han entered the chatroom_

**Zen** : Bleeding

 **Zen** : Someone sent me an envelope with blades on it

_Zen sent an image_

**MC** : OMGGGGGGG ARE YOU OKAY? 

**MC** : Zennnn

 **Zen** : I thought it was a letter from a fan

_Jumin Han left the chatroom_

**Zen** : Damn jerk insensitive

 **707** : Zen you should install CCTV camera at your place

 **MC** : ARE YOU OKAY? YOU NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL

_Jaehee entered the chatroom_

**Jaehee** : Omg! 

**Jaehee** : Zen I'm going to call 911

 **Zen** : It's fine Jaehee. Nothing deep. It'll heal for 3 to 5 days

 **Jaehee** : Are you sure? 

**MC** : WHY ARE SO XALM ABROUT IR! 

**707** : IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN ZEM

_Yoosung entered the chatroom_

**Yoosung** : MR. HANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN 

**Yoosung** : T_T

 **Yoosung** : Zen what happened?

 **707** : Back read Yoosungie~

 **MC** : Yoosung is Jumin giving you a hard time? 

**Yoosung** :.... 

**Yoosung** : ZEN CALL THE POKICE MR. HAN JUST LEFT AND THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO TIRED T_T

 **Yoosung** : CALL THE POLICE 

**\---**

_Calm_? Zen was not calm at all. His hands were trembling. Who would send something like that? Why would anyone want him to get hurt? Sure, he received pranky gifts once in a while, especially during his birthday but they're all harmless. Nothing this extreme. If there's anything, he did not want to be hated to the point of wanting to physically hurt him. He thought of Jumin, sure they had some disputes here and there and Jumin hated him, but the heir would never resort to something like that. Zen was sure as hell. 

Speaking of the jerk, he was frustrated of him. Leaving the chatroom like that obviously implied that he could not be bothered about Zen. It was sowehow expected of the trust-fund-jerk but at least, he could have asked him if the albino was alright. Zen frowned and shook his head. Fuck him, he cursed. I don't care if he doesn't care. He cursed under his breath once more so he would feel better. He didn't. 

Sighing, he placed his phone on the kitchen table, not bothering to left the chatroom. He had cleaned the wounds with water. He had to disinfect it and put bandages around it. He also had to clean the mess on the floor. He had to---

A knock reverberated inside his apartment. Zen's heart leaped. He was scared. What if the perpetrator came back to finish the job? He shivered and just stood there not knowing what to do. The knock continued, sounding desperate now. 

He grabbed his phone and typed. 

**Zen** : Soneone's at my door 

Before he could read someone else's reply, his phone rang. To his surprise, he somehow clicked the answer button without seeing the caller ID. He was on an auto-pilot mode and just put the phone near his ears.

" _Open the door_ ," commanded a baritone voice over the line.

"What?"

" _I'm outside your apartment. Open the door_."

He looked at the caller ID to make sure the one calling was really someone he thought it was. Someone knocked again. 

"Jumin?" 

" _Yes. Open the door. Damn it_!" 

Zen blinked a couple of times. Did Jumin just cursed? Oh yeah he had to open the door. Dazed and phone still pressed on his ears, Zen went to the door and opened it and there was Jumin, wearing his usual three-piece suit, looking so out of place within the premises. 

Jumin grabbed his phone off his hand and then open his palm. "You're so careless," he muttered and pulled Zen toward the kitchen sink like he owned the place. Jumin motioned his hand under the open faucet to wash off the blood. He just realized that his wound was bleeding once more. 

" What are you doing here?" 

Jumin did not answer his question and asked instead, "Where's your first aid kit?", while looking around. He found where the kit was plastered on the wall in the kitchen and did not wait for Zen's response. The albino on the other hand, did not know what was going on or his brain refused to let it sink. When he finally got out of the trance, he was already sitting at the sofa while Jumin was kneeling in front of him and bandaging his hand. Still, he did not know what to say and just gaped at Jumin, watching him tending to his wound. 

When the heir was done, he looked at Zen, frowning. "Do you have any idea who could have send you that envelope?" Zen just shook his head. Jumin was still holding his hand and although it was faint, Zen was feeling the same thing he felt the night at Saeyoung's place. It confused him because at the moment, he was not despising Jumin. However, he was still feeling the same thing and at the same time, completely different. It wasn't like a blazing flame but more like a slow-burn and Zen could only look away from Jumin's deep silver gaze to ignore whatever it was that had been creeping in his chest.

The Jumin stood and pulled Zen up. "Let's go."

Zen panicked. "What? Where?" 

"At my place. You are not safe here."

Zen was still sane and there was no way he would go with the flow that Jumin wanted him to. He remembered that he hated him and still did not forget what he had said to his face at Saeyoung's place. Defiant as he was, he pulled his hand away from Jumin's grip even though the lack of contact made him feel like he just missed one huge opportunity. He must be sick for feeling like that. He was being ridiculous. What the hell happened to him? Did he smack his head somewhere and killed some necessary brain cells in the process? His amygdala was malfunctioning. 

"There's no way I'd go with you," he exclaimed. 

"Zen, temporarily living at my place is reasonable. Why are you being defiant now? Do you think that I'd do anything to you?" He had bickered with Jumin long enough to hear even the faintest note of mockery and Jumin was mocking him, subtly saying, _Why would I do anything to you_?. Jumin added, "You can stay at a hotel but it's not practical. I'm offering the most optimal and logical solution to your current problem. Stay at my place until we know who wants to hurt you."

"What about your cat? My allergy?"

He knew that Jumin had a point but he did not really want to owe him. He was just Jumin Han. Insensitive. A jerk most of the time. He was Jumin Han and what he was doing now was too out of his character. 

"Elizabeth 3rd will always stay in my room. As we talk right now, a maid is currently cleaning the whole place to get rid of any furr. There's already medicine for cat allergies stored at my place for emergency purposes. I could let you stay at one of my penthouse but the security isn't that tight there. So let's set aside our personal dispute Zen and if you're logical enough, you would never disagree."

What was he supposed to say to that? Jumin was right. There was no reason for him to not accept his offer. 

"Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"You're scared Zen," Jumin said matter-of-factly. 

Zen hissed. "And that sprinkles sugar to your ego? Making you feel superior over me?"

Jumin stared at him, face remained unreadable. "If there's anything, you make me inferior Zen so I don't have the kind of motivation you're talking about. My actions are not driven by the force of superiority complex." The sincerity in Jumin's voice choked him. "You're scared. And I don't want you to be."


	5. Hearth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The albino triggered his parental instinct. He thought for certain that it was what it was. 

  
"You're too obvious Jumin," Jihyun said to him. They were sitting near the stage, on the third row with Rika. The play would begin in about ten minutes. Jumin did not say anything. Jihyun added, "To think that you went all the trouble of cancelling your meetings to be here." Rika was silent beside Jihyun. She had become a little quiet lately. 

Jumin had to frown with his bestfriend's words. "You said you wanted me to be his sponsor. I don't want to do that blindly Jihyun."

Jihyun chuckled, he reached out to Rika and held her hand. The latter smiled at his bestfriend. Jumin watched them in contempt. Really, he was glad Jihyun found his happiness with Rika. Jumin did not believe in love, considering how his father changed lover like changing his pants. But watching Rika and Jihyun made him consider an exception. His bestfriend looked at him again. 

"In retrospect Jumin, you'll realize what Rika and I have seen in your eyes when we introduced him to you."

Jumin's frown deepened. Jihyun and his metaphors, he had been dealing with them since they were young. He sounded prophetic and most of the time, Jumin could not decipher the meaning behind his words. Now was one of those times. 

"Jihyun, go straight to the point."

This time, Rika was the one who responded, wearing her signature smile that could lighten every room she entered. Her smile did not only reach her eyes but also Jumin's chest. His bestfriend's fiancé had become an important part of his life like a sister he wouldn't have and wished to have. He even wished despite himself that he met Rika sooner. Then maybe, she could have guided him how to make sense of his own feelings, how to untangle the threads in his head and feel more human. 

"It wouldn't be meaningful if you don't understand it yourself Jumin," she muttered, loud enough to be heard amidst the clatter around them. Rika was not being helpful and Jumin did not really get what the point was. Sure, he understood that they were talking about him and the actor that was about to appear in stage any minute now. Sure, he cancelled all his meetings for the afternoon just to watch the play. But again, like what he said, he was there to make sure his money would not to to waste. 

Sighing, he nodded his head and let it go. After all, he was not so gung ho about it. He averted his gaze toward the stage. 

"Jumin," Jihyun said in a whispery voice, breathless. All of a sudden, his bestfriend was on the floor, clinging, no he was not clinging for dear life. He was letting go. He saw it in his eyes. How tired he was. He did everything he thought was right. And Jumin just looked down at his bestfriend, unable to move. Once again, things did not make sense. " _Jumin. I'm... I'm sorry."_

  
Jumin stirred. The sudden intrusion of light behind his eyelids made him flinch and groan. He sat up. His heart was raging in his chest as sweat trickle down his brow. He wiped it away with the back of his hand. He realized that he fell asleep while clutching his favorite book. He looked at his bedside clock and it was still three in the morning. Sighing, he placed the book on his bedside table. 

How many times did he dream of his bestfriend dying? Jumin lost count. 

"Leave me in peace, Jihyun," he muttered. Not that he expected his bestfriend to hear him. He could not understand why he'd been dreaming about his death. Sure, he missed Jihyun but he already got used to his absence. He had already accepted his death. He got used to the fact that Jihyun was not there to drink wine with him anymore and talk about business, memories, ideals and even feelings. 

" _How does it make you feel_?" sometimes Jihyun would ask him and Jumin would answer with another question, " _What should it suppose to make me feel_?" Jihyun would shake his head in dismay. " _That's the problem Jumin_." The conversation would drag on and on like that without Jumin understanding what the problem really was. Or maybe, he was just being stubborn and would never admit that the problem was his inability to understand feelings because he kept on rationalizing things. Jihyun was the most patient person he had ever known. He never really had a lot of one on one conversations with Rika but more than Jihyun, she had made him realize why he could not understand feelings. He did not know how Rika managed to and he would never know for sure. The thought of her left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

When Jihyun told him that Rika killed herself, he was lost. He had been admitted to the hospital then because he found it difficult to breathe. And even before he accepted the tragedy, he did not know why the idea did not immediately sink in, he found out that Jihyun lied. Rika was alive but had lost her sanity. His bestfriend had been mostly off the grid and they never really had a proper talk about it. He thought that Jihyun's constant absence was his way of moving on. He accepted that. He lived with that. He forgave Jihyun for lying, thinking that he had done it to protect the other RFA members. God knew how much he tried to make sense of things, to find and save Rika, but the universe always found ways to make him unable to grasp things regarding his personal life. 

He never cried when Jihyun died, even during his funeral. Everyone was crying, even the newest RFA member, even Saeyoung. He didn't saw Zen crying his balls out but he knew the albino did because he was complaining about his fluffy eyes in the chatroom. He did not feel a thing when he saw Rika's condition. Or maybe he did and just did what he was goot at, suppressed and ignored it. He took over Jihyun's position as the head of the RFA and hence, he had trouble falling asleep for some reason. He could not sleep when the light was off anymore. He had to increase his wine intake. He had to read his favorite book in order to finally drift off to dreamland. But when he finally fell asleep, he'd be awoken after an hour or two of sleep because of his subconscious making him witness things over and over again and remember what he had lost. 

He knew he would not be able to sleep again so he decided to head to the kitchen and make himself a coffee. The light in the living room was on and he thought he left it on but then he saw Zen lying on the couch, clutching a paper on his hand. Jumin assumed that what he was reading was his scripts. He almost forgot that he had let Zen temporarily stay at his place. The albino looked at his direction when he noticed movements.

"It never occurred to me that you're this hard-working," Jumin commented and leaned on the wall near the couch. The coffee could wait. "Unable to sleep?"

Zen clicked his tounge at him. "Your place is too unnecessarily big it gives me the creep."

He looked around just the hang of it and shrugged his shoulders. "It's enough. You should have seen my father's villa. Your apartment is just too small."

"Jumin, are you even aware that your place is a whole building? And you're living alone. Unless you aren't and keep other people in secret rooms."

Jumin frowned. "What gives you the idea that I keep people in secret rooms?"

"I don't know man but since you're a _trust-fund-jerk_ , it's imaginable."

"Talking to you is like talking to a kid," Jumin commented.

"Do you even know what it feels like talking to you? It's----" Zen then protruded a shriek, hastily stood up from the couch and stayed away from it as far as the living room's size allowed him. He sneezed a couple of times before he sent dagger gazes at my direction. "The fuck Jumin--- _achoo_! You said your stupid cat would be in your stupid room!" He sneezed again, covering his face. Elizabeth 3rd did not leave Zen alone and approached the albino. When Zen saw his pet coming, he ran away again, still clutching his script on his hand. The funny thing was, Elizabeth 3rd kept on approaching him wherever Zen went. 

Jumin found the commotion amusing that a smile outlined his lips. His pet's enthusiasm confused him. She never saw him like that to anyone before. And Zen, panicking and running around in circles, while occasionally sneezed, was---he did not know how to describe it but somehow it made the living room alive. 

"JUMIN! Don't just--- _achoo_ \---watch jerk--- _achoo_! GET YOUR STUPID CAT."

Jumin knew that Zen was suffering and he was not going to jerk around for long. It was hard to catch Elizabeth 3rd and she even scratched him a bit when he did. She purred on his arms. 

"Do you want to kill--- _achoo_! Ah fuck!"

"There's an antihistamine in the first aid kid near the kitchen sink," Jumin said. His chest was still warm from what he witnessed and the dream he had was already far away from the reaches of his consciousness. 

Zen strode away toward the kitchen. He heard the faucet being opened and even Zen gulping down the water. He came back to the living room, frowning. And then went back to the kitchen and came back again, now with his script. He finally stopped sneezing.

"You know, I'll appreciate it if you go back to your room with your cat," Zen suggested. He sounded desperate despite the glare he was giving Jumin. He really liked Zen's transparency. It was like the actor was overflowing with emotions to make up Jumin's discrepancy in showing them.

Zen's hair, he noticed, wasn't tied and it was the first time he saw it untied outside his plays. The silver strands contrasted the sharp color of his eyes, making them effulgent, making them look like shining despite the shadow casted by his long eyelashes. Or it was because he was sneezing earlier that made the albino's eyes wet and his cheeks and nose flushed in a pinkish glow. Jumin was gaping at him and he did not realize it until Zen asked. "What?"

Jumin recovered from the trance. "You look ugly," he commented. Of course, he was being a jester. He had met other people with albinism during his business travels and of course the uniqueness in their appearance made them stand out but only because of that. Zen was good-looking--- _no_. The actor was beautiful. He had always been. And even beyond that. Jumin would not deny that to himself and he could say it to Zen if he wanted to but again, Zen would think he was only messing with him. Even though Zen had a narcissistic tendency, being called beautiful by him seemed unacceptable to the albino. And of course, he regretted saying that Zen was only vanity and no substance. He had no idea why he lashed out and said that. He deserved the slap. He deserved to be despised. He was damn relieved when Zen accepted his offer. 

Zen just rolled his eyes. "You'll never gape at someone for being ugly," Zen muttered. "I know you find me charming Jumin and just too ashamed to say it."

"You wish," he countered. "Please don't forget that my looks are exceptional too. Not that you forget. I'm sure you're always reminded of that and quite envious. I have the money, looks and brain." Elizabeth 3rd purred. "She agrees."

"You're a douchebag."

"It takes one to know one Zen."

Zen wrinkled his nose and gritted his teeth, looking at him as if he was allergic to Jumin than to his cat. Zen could never win an argument with him. "Why don't you go back to your room with your stupid cat?"

Jumin smirked. "This is my house Zen. I do what I want."

Stomping his feet, the albino walked passed him and strode away to the guest room of course not without exclaiming what a jerk Jumin was. He was positive that Zen would tell the RFA members how insensitive he was and that he made a mistake in accepting the heir's offer. However, he was also positive that Zen would still stay at his place. At least for a while. Even if the albino refused to admit it, he was scared of going back to his apartment. Jumin's smirk faded when he remembered Zen's trembling hands when he tried to bandage his wound. He admired the albino's guts then and his attempt to appear calm in the chatroom. 

Jumin rubbed Elizabeth 3rd's head and his pet relaxed on his arms. He relaxed as well. Then he remembered his dream. Not about Jihyun's death but his bestfriend's words. 

" _In retrospect Jumin, you'll realize what Rika and I have seen in your eyes when we introduced him to you_." 

Jumin had an inkling now of what his bestfriend and Rika saw in his eyes. The albino triggered his parental instinct. He thought for certain that it was what it was. He remembered the purpose why he left his room and with that was the realization that Zen was indeed his distraction. It comforted him and at the same time, threatened him. The ironic existence of Zen to his life left another frown on his supposedly stoic face. 


	6. Warm Fuzzies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Driver Kim is your type?" the raven-haired heir asked, frowning. 
> 
> "What the fuck Jumin? Are you an idiot?" He shouldn't have asked. He knew Jumin was an idiot. Jumin just stared at him for a while and then sighed. He turned toward the front and told the driver Zen's address. They sat silently for a while. 
> 
> Then Jumin broke the silence and said, "You were blushing."
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "You were blushing when Driver Kim opened the door for you."
> 
> What the hell was his deal? Zen could only stare at Jumin incredulously.

  
**Zen** : The gifts I receive are from my fans' generosity an I want to treasure them.

 **Jumin** : If you want gifts, I can arrange with that.

 **Zen** : That's not the point trust-fund-jerk!!!

Zen ran his fingers through his hair, trying to contain his frustration. What did the jerk think of him? And what did he think of himself? His sugar daddy? The thought made him cringe. He crossed his fingers wishing for that thought to never ever cross his mind again. He had always been frustrated for the past days for the very reason that the number of times he saw Jumin Han had increased. They argued a lot and just because of some trivial matters Zen had forgotten what was about or even who started it. It became a natural thing for them to be at each other's throat. He admitted that he minded Jumin's business sometimes. But it was only bacause everything Jumin did got on his nerves. 

Then his phone rang and Jumin's name flashed on the screen. He answered the heir with a _tsk_ -ing sound. 

"It's not safe Zen."

It was the first time Zen heard Jumin's voice over the phone. Well, not really the first time because the heir had called him when he was hurt but he was in a trance during that time because of shock and fear. He was out of focus then. He realized that they never really conversed outside RFA and now, it was bizarre talking to Jumin over the phone. Since he was a singer and sometimes, composed music, he had been mindful of other people's voices. The heir's voice was deep, a tessitura of A2-A4, so heavy and controlled that he almost sounded like a well-trained voice actor in person and much more over the phone. 

"Zen?" Jumin called, his voice rose a semi-note. The vibe of Jumin's voice was the same as Beethoven's _Moonlight Sonata_. Alluring. Arcadian. Deep. Deeper. _Drowning_. Zen blinked, frowned and mentally cursed. What the hell was he thinking?

"It's...," he cleared his throat, suddenly conscious of how he sounded over the phone, how Jumin heard him. He got iriitated of Jumin because of that. He wouldn't be conscious if the heir didn't call in the first place. "I'll be fine jerk."

"If you're so hard-headed. At least let my guards accompany you, " Jumin suggested.

Zen could not imagine him being accompanied by guards. What would his landlord think? "What do you think of me? A kid?"

"No, you're not a kid but you're acting unreasonably stubborn like a kid."

Zen wished Jumin was in front of him so that he could strangle him. "And what do you think of yourself? My mom? You're making a big deal out of it. Besides, it's my problem jerk. It has nothing to do with you," he exclaimed. 

Jumin was silent over the line for a moment. Zen could imagine the heir wearing a frown while the gears in his brain was running. Most of the time, the expression Jumin Han was capable of protruding was a frown. Occasionally, a smirk when he thought he was winning an argument over Zen. However, Jumin was also capable of smiling. Zen had taken note of that. He did chuckle when MC was embarrassed about the talk of being intimate with Saeyoung. And he remembered the warmth on Jumin's eyes when his pet was purring on his arm after it kept on approaching Zen one night. That warmth was a residue of a smile. Jumin always had it every time he talked to Rika or V during every RFA meeting and party. He remembered the time when the V and Rika introduced Jumin to him, how the warmth of his silver gaze disappeared when the heir averted his attention from the couple to him. Jumin Han was heedless of his presence. That was evident when they first met. Zen felt unwanted then and immediately reciprocated. It developed into despise over time. 

"Then let me come with you," the heir muttered.

"What? No! Do you even listen to what I was saying? You're making---" 

"I'll be home in 30 minutes." Just like that, Jumin ended the call. 

"He fucking cut me off!" Zen was enraged. He knew the sign was always there. He ignored them but now he was completely sure that Jumin Han was an idiot. His conversational comprehension was below average. The heir had serious communication problem. He sent Jumin a message. 

**Zen** : Come home so I could kick your ass!

Then he opened the RFA messenger to share his rage and discovery about Jumin Han's idiocy. The world must know. However, Yoosung was already there complaining about his boss.

 **Yoosung** : Jaehee I understand your misfortune now 😭  
 **Yoosung** : Mr. Han's so unpredictable. All of a sudden he want to cancel his meetings for the afternoon and yeet  
 _Zen entered the chatroom_  
 **Yoosung** : 😭  
 **MC** : Cheer up Yoosung! Jaehee's calling me. Laters~  
 _MC left the chatroom_  
 **707** : I know why 🧐  
 **707** : He's coming home early because Zenny is waiting and he misses him🤷♂️❤️  
 **Zen** : SAEYOUNG!!!   
**707** : Ohh. Is that supposed to be a secret? Sorry sorry. I won't say anything anymore about Jumin calling you before he left his office 👀  
 **Zen** : HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT  
 **707** : Seven God is omnipotent! He knows everything.   
**707** : Thou shalt pray so I give thy love a blessing   
**Yoosung** : Ohh. I think ill forgive Mr. Han if it's about Zen  
 **Zen** : IT'S NOT  
 _MC entered the chatroom_  
 **MC** : I'll bake your favorite cookies Yoosungie. Come at the shop after work.   
**MC** : So that's how it is. Thanks for the info babe~❤️  
 **MC** : lololololol   
**MC** : Laters~  
 _MC left the chatroom_  
 **707** : No problem babe. Muahhh :😘❤️  
 **Yoosung** : Thank you MC. You're an angel. 🥰  
 **707** : She is. A beautiful angel and I'm an omnipotent god who knows everything. We're perfect for each other~❤️  
 **Yoosung** :...   
**Yoosung** : Gonna go back to work  
 **Yoosung** : Byeeeeee 😭  
 _Yoosung left the chatroom_  
 _Jumin Han entered the chatroom_  
 **Jumin Han** : Saeyoung about the CCTV cameras with the necessary features  
 **Jumin Han** : I hope they'll be ready next week  
 **Saeyoung** : They're ready Jumin.  
 **Jumin Han** : Then I'll arrange the installation tomorrow  
 **Zen** : What CCTV?   
**Saeyoung** : The ones to be installed at your place Zenny.   
**Zen** : HOW COME I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS  
 **Zen** : TRUST-FUND-JERK!!! 😠🤬  
 **Jumin Han** : Now you know  
 **Jumin Han** : I'm near.  
 _Jumin Han left the chatroom_  
 **Zen** : AHHHHHHHHHHHidjsjshbskka  
 **Zen** : HE'S SO INSUFFERABLE!!!   
**707** : Aww isn't he sweet Zenny? 💘  
 **707** : So protective. So possessive. Ayieee ayieee~ doki doki harhar 💜💟  
 **Zen** : Why am I even talking to you?   
_Zen left the chatroom_

Why was he even friends with Saeyoung? That hacker definitely had loose screws for openly shipping Zen and Jumin. And he's afraid that he's making MC joined the cult. Moreover, he seemed not to know the concept of privacy. He ran his fingers through his silver locks again and sighed. Saeyoung and Jumin, _especially Jumin_ , would be the death of him. He was going to explode any day now. 

His phone rang. 

"Come down now," was all Jumin said before ending the call. He shouldn't have answered the jerk's call after three rings. He should have never answered him. But he was afraid that if he wouldn't, the heir would instruct his bodyguards to escort him using any mean necessary. Jumin, in theory, would definitely do that to him. So, he exited Jumin's main floor and went to the elevator while thinking of ways to creatively bury a body. Jumin's driver opened the door for him and his cheeks flushed while thanking the driver. When he averted his attention to Jumin, he was looking intently at him. He rose one of his brow.

"Driver Kim is your type?" the raven-haired heir asked, frowning. 

"What the fuck Jumin? Are you an idiot?" He shouldn't have asked. He knew Jumin was an idiot. Jumin just stared at him for a while and then sighed. He turned toward the front and told the driver Zen's address. They sat silently for a while. 

Then Jumin broke the silence and said, "You were blushing."

"What?"

"You were blushing when Driver Kim opened the door for you."

What the hell was his deal? Zen stared at Jumin incredulously. "Dude, there's other reasons why people blush. For instance, they're embarrassed." He felt like a grade school teacher trying to teach a kid about feelings. And when he's at it, better teach Jumin some manners. "And you shouldn't plan on putting something on other people's property without consulting the owner. You should listen to other people's suggestions and words. You should---" He was about to say not to butt in while other people were talking but Jumin butted in.

"And you're embarrass because?"

Zen kicked Jumin's leg. Jumin gave him a confused look as he rubbed the spot where Zen's foot made contact with his leg. 

"What was that for?"

"For being an idiot and never listening to what I say," Zen exclaimed. 

"I'm listening Zen. Besides, I already know all the should and shouldn't. However, I can do what I want."

He pinched Jumin on the side out of frustration. However, Jumin's reaction was shocking. He flinched hard. No, he literally jerked his body away from Zen. Jumin looked so confused that it was funny. "Don't do that," warned Jumin, jaw set and eyes narrowed at him. 

Zen was amused by the heir's reaction and smirked. "I can do what I want." This time, he tried to poke Jumin's side continuously while the latter tried so hard to block the albino's attack. Jumin's reflexes, Zen realized, were terrible. So the number of successful attacks was more than the failed ones. And Jumin's expression was a mixture of pain and confusion. Zen wanted to see more and he was determined. They were literally making a commotion within the small space.

Zen stopped when Jumin's driver protruded a loud fake cough. Zen realized that they had stopped beside the road. "Mr. Han, Mr. Zen, I'm sorry to ruin your fun but I'm afraid we're going to encounter an accident if you continue."

Zen burst out laughing that his side ached afterwards. Jumin just glared at him. 


	7. Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looked on the hacker's golden brown eyes and saw knowing, warmth, understanding in them and then a smirk flashed on his lips before someone from behind them grabbed Saeyoung's hand off his face. The hacker yelped slightly in pain and before Zen realized what was going on, he was pushed toward the wall as soft angry lips claimed his and the wine glass shattered on the floor.
> 
> Even though his head hurt due to the impact, the kiss, the familiar scent invading his nostrils, intoxicating him, were all he could think about. He obeyed his instinct and reciprocated. But the kiss ended as swiftly as it started. Still, it left Zen breathless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeline: After 2nd chapter  
> Sarah Choi is a good woman because why not?  
> I want guilt.

Another party. Another misery. This time, stronger than the last. The same pain. The same wound. But now heavier. Numbing. And worst of all, it was self-inflicted. Zen knew any time soon, the doubts in his chest would find their way home. And now, he's the one left standing on the same ground as the one who shared the same pain as him, the same passion had managed to venture another shore, being pushed away by Zen's indecisiveness, insecurities, and above all fear.

The wine tasted bland on his lips. The smiles he protruded were bittersweet. He shouldn't have come here. This engagement party was unbearable. But then again he was a masochist. He wanted to stare at the blood to confirm the existence of the wound. Perhaps, that would make him more numb. Perhaps, it would make everything go away. So, here was Jumin, in front of him and other RFA members. But Jumin wasn't alone. A pretty woman, with brilliant flirty smile, wearing deep purple dress, matching Jumin's vest, was wrapping her arm around the raven-haired heir.

"This is Sarah Choi," Jumin said calmly. Jumin did not need to introduce each RFA member, Sarah was delighted and enthusiastic enough to give each one of them a handshake while each said their name and greeting as formality.

When it was his turn, he did what he usually did. He brought the woman's hand toward his lips and kissed the back of it. "It's a pleasure to meet you Ms. Choi," he muttered, plastering the sweetest smile he could fake, his chest throbbing. "What a waste that such beauty befalls on the hand of Jumin Han." Sarah Choi blushed, chuckled and then leaned closer to Jumin Han in embarrassment. As an actor, Zen knew that the woman was genuine for all its worth and couldn't find any reason to despise her but he despised her nonetheless. He was fucked up.

Jumin just gave him a heedless stare and then averted his attention to his fiancé. When the introduction was finally finished, the couple excused themselves. Zen protruded a subtle sigh. 

"I think she's fine," commented Yoosung beside him. "She is always so nice to me every time she visited in the office."

He did not join the conversation between the RFA members about Jumin and his fiancé. He was not in the mood and his jealousy would just ruin the other's mood as well. So he kept quiet and indulge himself in trying to run through his script in his head. He couldn't indulge in alcohol. At least when Jumin's around. Alcohol couldn't change anything any way and would just gave him a terrible headache in the morning. Zen learned his lesson the hard way. Although his memory was a bit fuzzy, he knew how much he cried in front of Jumin when he was drunk. The heir expressed his displeased in the chat room afterwards. And of course, Zen was hurt, embarrassed, and angry at himself for being so weak and needy despite the fact that everything had ended between him and Jumin. He ended things and now he was facing the consequences. He should live with that.

Then Saeyoung scooted beside him. The hacker was silent until Zen acknowledged his presence with a rose brow. "Are you okay? You've been quiet."

Saeyoung was frowning and surprisingly, he looked so serious that it was almost funny. MC glanced at their was and there was a knowing expression in his eyes as if, she was telepathically nodding at Saeyoung before averting her attention toward Saeran. Zen was envious of the connection between the two but happy for them at the same time. The other RFA members had scattered about.

Zen tried a smile and nodded. "I'm fine. Just a bit tired. New role and all."

Saeyoung didn't speak for a moment as if considering something and then he squeezed Zen's shoulder warmly and smiled. "I'll accept that for now but I just want to let you know that as a friend, I'm here to listen."

"Who the hell are you and what did you do with Saeyoung?" Zen joked and the hacker laughed out loud, winked at him and started to stride toward MC and his twin brother. Zen bit his lower lip and cursed under his breathe. _Ah, fuck_! He caught up with Saeyoung and asked him if they could have a talk outside. Saeyoung was more than reluctant.

They were now standing on the balcony, outside the hall but still on the same floor. The light illuminating them wasn't particularly dim but dimmer than the hall which made Zen's mood even gloomer and at the same time, since he was far away from Jumin's presence, lighten the weight in his chest by a gram.

Zen hesitated for a moment so he emptied his glass first while the programmer waited for him to say anything and just admired the blinking lights in the expanse below them.

"Jumin and I. We were in a romantic relationship," Zen finally managed to say. Saeyoung was silent and one glanced at the hacker let him know that his confession didn't surprise him. Saeyoung already knew.

"Yoosung noticed it first." Zen blinked. His mouth slightly opened in surprise. _Yoosung_? _Of all people_? "No, it's not what you think Zen. What Yoosung noticed was Jumin's subtle meltdown. The slight change in Jumin's behavior. Jumin becoming something more unbearable as a boss. He was not certain what the reason behind it and he confided that you must have something to do with it because one time, Jumin was drunk and called Yoosung thinking that it was your number that he dialed." Zen didn't know what to say. Saeyoung continued, "I don't know how the conversation went and Yoosung refused to give me the details. I think they had a talk with Jumin because there was no way Jumin wouldn't realize that he called his secretary instead of you. Zen, MC and I and probably Yoosung, knew. I've known because I keep track of where the location of every RFA member and there's no way that the two of you would meet somewhere remote if the two of you didn't share an _intimate secret_. MC knows because I can't keep secrets from her."

Zen was flustered. He was also panicking. Three of the RFA members knew? Jumin and him weren't careful enough it seemed. But at least, Jaehee didn't know. Zen was sure that she would be disappointed. "So I'm gonna ask because I've been wanting to know. Why did you break things off? In my perspective, the two of you hit it off like _an apple to a pie_."

"I'm scared of Jumin's feelings, of Jumin himself," as if Zen couldn't be more surprised, Saeyoung laughed.

"I adore you Zenny," Saeyoung muttered after his laugh subsided. "But I feel bad for Jumin." Zen knew just then that Saeyoung's laugh was sarcastic but he did not understand why. "And now you're suffering. Both of you. It's interesting to watch but it's not funny anymore," Saeyoung tapped the albino's shoulder lightly before he moved his hand to his hair and then ran his fingers through Zen's silver locks, untangling his ponytail in the process. He found Saeyoung's act friendly and he let the hacker continue brushing his hair. Jumin used to do that and he ached for the heir even more. He missed his touch. He missed his smile. He missed his frown. He missed him more than he could ever admit.

"It's not Jumin's feelings Zenny that you're most afraid of," Saeyoung whispered and then he notioned Zen to tilt his head and face him, the programmer's hand resting on his cheek. He looked on his golden brown eyes and saw knowing, warmth, understanding in them and then a smirk flashed on his lips before someone from behind them grabbed Saeyoung's hand off his face. The programmer yelped slightly in pain and before Zen realized what was going on, he was pushed toward the wall as soft angry lips claimed his and the wine glass shattered on the floor.

Even though his head hurt due to the impact, the kiss, the familiar scent invading his nostrils, intoxicating him, were all he could think about. He obeyed his instinct and reciprocated. But the kiss ended as swiftly as it started. Still, it left Zen breathless. 

The one pinning him to the wall cursed, his voice hoarse. "Fuck!" Jumin slammed his fist on the wall just beside Zen and growled with the impact. "Damn it!"

Zen just stood there, not knowing what to do. He wanted to wrap his arms around Jumin and kissed him more but before he could do anything, Jumin turned on his heel and left him. He could not even call his name.

Saeyoung was still there. He noticed him after a while. "That was intense," Saeyoung muttered, amusement written all over his irises and lips. "Zen, you can't go back to the party looking like that."

He knew his hair was a mess or he looked like a mess or his head was a mess. The kiss took away all his senses or Jumin Han took them away when he left. Saeyoung then handed him a handkerchief. "Your lower lip is bleeding."

Rather than accepting the handkerchief, Zen ran his tongue on his lip and sure enough he tasted his own blood and a faint pain had started to register in his brain. Saeyoung, knowing that Zen wouldn't take it, put the handkerchief back inside the pocket of his coat.

"Jumin's predictable. Too predictable," Saeyoung whispered and laughed. Before Zen could react, his phone vibrated within his coat. He decided to ignore it but Saeyoung said, "Trust me. You better read that message Zen," and with that, Saeyoung left him there. Zen cursed under his breathe. How could Jumin kissed him right there? What if someone saw them? He panicked but the panic evaporated when he read the message.

**Jumin** : I'm in the car. I can wait for 5 minutes.

A chill ran down his spine in anticipation. He cursed for the _nth_ time that night and hurried toward the elevator. 


	8. Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everywhere the raven kissed, licked and touched felt like he was burnt and Zen was floating in smoke and flames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan to extend the previous chapter to this scene cause it'll completely change how the entire work is rated.
> 
> WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!  
> Read on your own risk.

  
They shared the ride in silence. The only noise between them was the constant ringing of Jumin's phone and even that was eradicated when Jumin decided to turn off his phone. Zen couldn't look at Jumin and Jumin was the same. Both of them knew that when they did, they would pay the driver no heed and get lost in a deep, hungry kiss. They arrived at one of Jumin's penthouse instead of his building. Zen that Jumin chose that place either because the heir's pet could be everywhere inside Jumin's house or Jumin just didn't want the albino into his main place anymore. In Zen's head, neither mattered and he couldn't be bothered. Being with Jumin as of the moment, was more than he could ever wish for. 

The anticipation was killing Zen as they rode the elevator. Of course, there was a CCTV camera in the elevator and if there was not, they were already making out. So, when the door of Jumin's penthouse closed behind them, without words, just a silent agreement when they two stared at each other's eyes, they immediately went down to kissing. 

Zen's back was pressed on the door, arms around the heir's neck and then ventured on his head, messing the dark locks as they deepened the kiss. They pressed at each other's body as if there was still spaces left in between and explored each other's mouth like there was still uncharted territories. Zen could taste blood and he could not be bothered whether it was coming from the wound on his lip or Jumin's. Both of them breathlessly groaned each time their lips parted to catch air. Then Jumin's lips trailed down Zen's chin and then the side of his neck, licked and sucked the skin over his Adam's apple as it vibrated when Zen moaned. Zen knew Jumin loved to feel the vibrations on his throat with his lips as much as Zen loved Jumin's tongue ventured his neck, so he titled his head upward to give Jumin more access. 

Jumin effortlessly untied his tie and let it fall on the floor. The next thing he knew was Jumin's bare hands exploring his stomach. Everywhere the raven kissed, licked and touched felt like he was burnt and Zen was floating in smoke and flames. Jumin's hand returned to his neck, pulled his face closer and once again they shared a hungry kiss. And then their lips parted and they stared at each other. Jumin was biting his plump lower lip, silver irises glinting with want and longing and Zen knew his eyes spoke of the same emotions left unspoken. Tomorrow did not matter. It still did not exist. The past didn't matter too. It no longer existed. Jumin was in front of him, wanting him and that was all that mattered to Zen. 

"Fuck!" He heard Jumin muttered and every time Jumin curse during their intimate encounter, Zen's temperature rose a degree or two. "Bed," Jumin muttered hoarsely, his voice lower than its natural pitch. Zen's back was now pressed against the soft fabric of the bed and Jumin was hovering over him, once again claiming his lips while his hands made wonders on his bare chest, pinching his nipples, drawing circles on them and Zen's moans just echoed in Jumin's mouth. He knew his underwear was soiled now and the bulge on Jumin's pants said the same. Jumin's lips left his mouth and was now suckling his nipple while the other was given enough attention by Jumin's skilled fingers. Zen could only arched his back and pulled Jumin's head closer to his chest while trying to rub his crotch to Jumin's knee between his legs. 

"Jumin...." He wanted Jumin to pay attention to other parts of his body too especially between his legs but all he could muster was Jumin's name and he kept on repeating it like a mantra to make him senseless and the same time, left nothing of him but senses to feel Jumin. The stimulation was too much and it had been months since he last felt Jumin's bare skin against his. 

And Jumin understood his wants. The heir finally decided to move down and opened the zipper and pulled his pants off his legs. However, Jumin kept the albino's underwear on and over the fabric, started stimulating his member with Jumin's long fingers while the raven's hand was on his shoulder, pinning him on the bed, left him jerking his hips to deepened the touch. But as usual, Jumin was completely in control, teasing the silverette's balls and occasionally running his fingers through Zen's length. The albino was aching all over. 

"What do you want Hyun?" asked Jumin. List evident in his voice. Hearing his name from Jumin's mouth made his member twitch and ache more. He was throbbing inside.

Ignoring ego, Zen muttered, "I want you... Jumin. I want you. Fuck!"

But instead of fulfilling Zen's wishes, Jumin bend down and Zen felt something wet tracing his length over the fabric of his underwear. Jumin had never done that to Zen before. And the thought of Jumin's tongue licking his member made him go crazy. Every cell of his body was screaming the want to come. Jumin continued licking and sucking the tip of his member, making his underwear wet with saliva. When he all his reason was lost somewhere deep within his head, Jumin stopped stimulating his member and even covered his egress with his thumb. The heir just knew when Zen was about to come and he prevented that from happening. 

"Breathe slowly," Jumin whispered to his ears. He obliged and the heat from his groin spread through his stomach. He felt good. When Zen's temperature slightly dropped, Jumin moved away from Zen and stripped. Zen admired the view and bit his lower lip when Jumin's underwear hit the floor and revealed his angry erection. His member and insides twitched in anticipation. He thought this night would end fast, considering how much lust was accumulated but Jumin, as controlling as he was, made things in between eruption and slow-burn.

Jumin scooted towards the headboard and motioned Zen to sit on his lap, facing him. They kissed once more, biting, licking, sucking. Then when their lips parted, Jumin pulled the albino hair, bringing his ear closer to the raven's mouth. "Suck me," he whispered and Zen shivered in unexplainable pleasure. "Suck me the way you suck my tongue."

Jumin had never been this domineering in bed before. The raven had always been gentle, only his kisses were hungry and unforgiving, but above Zen, he was a gentleman. Yet Zen did not mind the change. Gentle or dominant Jumin was still Jumin and he wanted the raven. So he bent down and positioned himself over Jumin's erection. Jumin hissed when his tongue touch the tip of his member. It wasn't the first time he sucked Jumin off but it felt like it was the first time. He then lowered his head, Jumin's member in the mercy of his mouth and the raven's breath labored. He compensated the place his mouth couldn't take with his hand and he did his job, bobbing his head up and down, spitting saliva on Jumin's erection and sucked it the way he sucked Jumin's tongue. He heard sighs occasionally escaped Jumin's mouth which implied that he was doing a good job. He looked up and saw Jumin looking down at him, eyes fogged with lust, sweats trickled down his brows and chest and lips parted in pleasure. Then all of a sudden, Jumin pulled his hair, not violently, just enough to make him stop sucking him off and into his mouth. They were kissing as Jumin reached toward the bedside drawer to retrieve a bottle of lube and a strip of condom. Jumin then pushed Zen and he was now lying on his back. He watched Jumin poured the lube on his hand and then hovered the albino once more. His middle finger was massaging the albino's back entrance.

"Have you used this since?" Zen nodded and anger flashed in Jumin's eyes and instead of one, he inserted two fingers. Zen yelped both in pain and pleasure. "Have you become a whore Zenny? Did you let Saeyoung fuck you?" When the albino didn't answer, Jumin inserted a third finger.

"No..." his voice was strained. "Only when... I masturbate. You're the only...one." Hearing that, Jumin's hand slowed down inside him and pressed his erroneous spot that made Zen moan louder. 

"Good boy," Jumin whispered and planted a kiss on his brow. He clenched hearing those words from Jumin. The raven had changed so much beyond Zen's imagination. He didn't like that he liked this Jumin Han. Not that he did not like the previous gentle Jumin but he could accept the Jumin now. "You're only a whore for me then."

Jumin removed his hand and Zen felt momentarily empty inside. Jumin placed the packet of condom in between his teeth and pulled his hand to tear it open. It looked so sexy in Zen's eyes. Then after a moment, Zen felt Jumin's thickness teasing his entrance and he begged him.

Jumin slowly entered him and here he was thinking that the raven would shove his member into him violently and slow sensation almost brought him closer to home. "Are you okay?" Jumin asked, his voice now gentle and when he looked up, he saw the gentle Jumin over him that almost made him tear up. Zen nodded for crying would just ruin the mood. Then Jumin started moving, slowly gaining speed and once again, they fell in a rhythmic gasps they both were familiar with. Zen could not distinguish between moans and Jumin's name. They all sounded the same coming out from his mouth and every trust pushed them closer and closer to oblivion. It wasn't long before Zen was coming all over his and Jumin's stomach, clenching his inside that made Jumin come in the process. They were breathless when they finished. Jumin pulled out from him and throw the condom on the trash can before lying beside him. 

They remained not moving for a while and Zen did not know if he should say anything. He did not know what to say anyway. Then Jumin moved and pulled Zen into his chest. Zen did not question what the gesture meant. He let Jumin. He let himself lost in his warmth and leaned on him as Jumin wrapped his arms around him. The familiar warmth and tiredness made him immediately fell asleep.

He dreamed of gentle hands patting his head and fingers brushing through his hair the way he wanted it. He woke up, warmth leaving him and in silent. He realized that he was already wearing Jumin's pajama that he kept in the penthouse. He assumed that Jumin had dressed him. The thought brought butterflies in his stomach and heat reddened his cheeks. His throat and body were sore and he longed for a glass of water which was conveniently on the bedside with his clothes neatly folded on the bedside table. Jumin was still Jumin after all. He smiled. 

He drank the water first before he reached for his phone lying on top of his clothes. Jumin left him a private message and once again, warmth seethed through his chest. Smiling, he read the message. But the smile vanished as soon as it appeared. 

**Jumin** : Make sure not to forget anything when you leave. The door is autolock. 

Fantasy finally faded into the fabric of reality. Of course, last night was nothing but a mistake. Zen had forgotten the Jumin was engaged and what they did, succumbing into lust, was wrong. Tears fell down his eyes. He always reminded Jumin before not to leave kiss marks on him because of the nature of his job but he wished Jumin left more than just the wound on his lower lip. He wished Jumin had left him burns that would remain through the years. 


	9. Candor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That feeling made him want to pull the albino close and protect him from everyone, to fight away all of his fears and wipe away all those unpleasant tears. He did. He pulled Zen toward his chest, wrapping his arms around the albino's neck, preventing the landlord and his driver from seeing Zen's vulnerability.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter

They reached Zen's apartment without further delay. Jumin made sure that Zen could never touch him again. Zen said that what the albino did was just simply tickling him and he reacted the way he did because he was ticklish. Whatever it really was, it felt unpleasant and he would handcuff anyone who would do that to him again. 

One look at the landlord made him realize that something was wrong. The landlord's expression implied that he was not impressed at all. He guided the two of them into the storeroom wherein most of the space were occupied by gifts given to Zen by his fans. Zen had apologized once and he apologized once more. Jumin frown at the albino but the latter did not entertain Jumin's displeased. Zen had never apologized to him before and he wanted to point that out but decided not to. It was childish and he did not want Zen to insult him because of that. 

"It's fine in general. I got used to it," the landlord responded. Jumin wanted to butt in and offer the landlord money. He was sure that that would stir willingness and shut him up. "But something smells Zen. Might be spoilt food."

It was true. Jumin noticed that there was a faint pungent smell within the room. The landlord pointed at the smallest box on top of the others. "I think, it was coming from that box."

Jumin thought so too. Zen was about to reach to get the box but Jumin immediately held Zen's wrist to stop him. He thought once again, that Zen's body temperature must be higher than average or higher than his. There was really no one else to compare besides himself since he did not have the hobby of touching other's skin. To be honest, it disgusted him. So whenever someone tried to touch him, he recoiled and made sure to show raw rejection. Well, there was a time when he tried touching someone and someone had managed to touch him with permission but the experience was too unpleasant and Jumin did not want to think about it. However, touching Zen was different. Even with his vast vocabulary, he could not explain it through words and neither could he through actions. What was he supposed to do? Touch the albino more? Zen despised him. So no, _thank you very much_. 

"I just want to look," Zen muttered while glaring at him, glared at his hand on his wrist and tried to break free. He couldn't. Jumin knew that Zen was not trying hard enough to break free. Zen was physically strong but what he wanted Jumin to see, Jumin realized, was that he was strong emotionally and Jumin should just ignore the worry creases between the albino's brows or pretend it was a frown of annoyance. Jumin knew that beneath his defiance, he was more than relieved that Jumin stopped him. And despite Zen's vocal assumption of his lack of sensitivity to other people's feelings, he wasn't. At least, when the albino was concerned. 

"Zen," his voice was firm, so was the his grip on the albino's wrist. The supposed defiance lingered in the albino's gaze for a moment until it finally faded into a meek nod. Jumin then, called his driver over the phone and moments later, his driver was already approaching the small box. He opened it and the pungent smell intensified. Driver Kim announced calmly, "It's just a dead rat."

Jumin saw it had peered at it first and his instinct told him not to let Zen see it but when he looked at the albino, it was too late. Jumin felt Zen's whole body trembled in trepidation. Fear flashed in his eyes and it stayed there as the albino covered his mouth with his free hand, trying to muffle his voice. 

It wasn't just a dead rat. It was a dead _albino_ rat. 

"Who---" Zen's voice broke under his hand and his knees buckled. A breath later, Zen was already crouching on the floor. When Jumin stared down at Zen whose eyelids were puffed and wet, looking so afraid and vulnerable, something teared inside of him and at the same time, something pieced up. Something was undone and then put back together again. As if the world was making sense. As if his sole purpose was Zen. 

That feeling made him want to pull the albino close and protect him from everyone, to fight away all of his fears and wipe away all those unpleasant tears. He did. He pulled Zen toward his chest, wrapping his arms around the albino's neck, preventing the landlord and his driver from seeing Zen's vulnerability.

He was being possessive, a tendency he thought would never be directed to someone. And contrary to his initial belief, the feeling was far from parental instinct. He should be the only one to see Zen at his lowest so that he could have the chance of making him feel better. So that he would have the chance to sweep him off his feet.


	10. Refulgence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He once pointed out Jumin's inability to feel grief over his bestfriend's death when everyone else was crying their balls out while the heir was just being his usual indifferent self. God, he was wrong. He had been wrong. Jumin had cried over V's death and had been crying hence.

Sleepless his night had become. Zen felt like a caffeine addict outside a closed coffee shop. He had been fidgety and he knew the reason. However, pride would not let him admit that it was what it was. So, his brain scavenged for other reasons. He tried looking through the walls to ignore the graffiti that showcase the implication of the butterflies fluttering in the pit of his stomach, making him want to jump from the window. The want was too overwhelming that more often than not, he was in a trance, too distracted to have a proper conversation outside rehearsals.

He cursed under his breath and screamed, using the pillow to muffle his voice. Good thing that every room in the house was sound proof and he would not worry about Jumin hearing him venting emotions through a scream. Jumin. That name was like food he was forced to swallow. Nevertheless, his stomach digested it to bits and bits, transformed it into a nutrient and his blood spread it throughout his body so that he was all that he could think of.

Jumin freaking Han hugging him like he was the most precious thing. Like he was HIS most precious thing in the world. Jumin freaking Han brushing his hair, slightly digging his fingers through his locks. Jumin freaking Han petting his back. Jumin freaking Han comforting him. Jumin freaking Han breaking the hug, cupping his face and wiping the tears off his cheeks. Jumin freaking Han looking at him, pained, silver gaze consoling.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

What was he supposed to feel but consolation? And comfort? And safe? What was he supposed to think other than Jumin Han is not so bad after all? That V and Rika were so lucky to had been within Jumin's close proximity? That they were so lucky to be situated within the sphere fo Jumin's dazzling personality?

"Zen..." he warned himself. "You must cut those chain of thoughts now."

Sighing loudly, he sat up on the bed. The wall clock read almost two in the morning. He gave up trying to fall asleep after all, there was no rehearsal the whole day. He decided to go to the kitchen to drink some beer Jumin had let him stock in the fridge while scowling.

However, Jumin was on the living room. When he saw Jumin's shadow, he immediately turned his back to return to the guest room but the whole place was too quiet that his footsteps were like bullets. 

Jumin's hoarse voice echoed as he called, "Zen?" He had no choice but to execute his initial plan. He mentally prepared himself for the encounter. He had tried avoiding the heir after that day, eating out, and hanging out inside the guest room more often than in the living room. It wasn't really hard avoiding the heir because he was too busy that he was almost never home. 

Zen's heart was beating so fast when he realized that Jumin was watching him. He hoped that his nervousness wasn't reflected in his movements. On his peripheral vision, he saw Jumin had been drinking. There was already an empty wine bottle on the table in front of him beside a freshly opened one. This was only the second time that the two of them had an encounter in the living room during ungodly hours. However, he knew that Jumin was an alcoholic. Zen often saw empty bottles beside the kitchen sink in the morning. He had made a comment about it before but Jumin deflected it by mentioning about his more bad habit aka smoking. 

Now, he was not nervous anymore and the urge to run away was gone. Or at least, he wasn't as bothered by Jumin's presence as before knowing that the heir was probably drunk and could not focus. After getting a can of beer from the fridge, Zen decided to join Jumin on the couch.

"Isn't it too late to be drinking?" he asked, settling beside him.

"Says someone who was about to drink at two in the morning," Jumin answered, his voice was deeper with the influence of alcohol. "Can't sleep?"

"Can't sleep?" Zen echoed while motioning to the wind bottles with a raised brow. Jumin didn't answer and just continued sipping from the glass. Zen just shrugged his head and opened the can effortlessly, took a gulp and sighed in satisfaction.

"I have trouble sleeping," Jumin said after a while. 

"Why? Work?"

"I'm not sure."

"Thats a surprise. I never thought you have trouble sleeping given the possessions you have." Jumin did not said to his mockery. Zen realized that the heir was not up to a round of bickering so he focused his attention on finishing his beer in order to go back to the guest room before the want of being with Jumin's presence grew stronger and overwhelming. 

Suddenly, Jumin asked, "What do you think of recurring dreams Zen?"

Zen was not sure why Jumin asked. Nevertheless, he answered, "I'm not an expert and people experienced different things to mold their subconscious. But in general, I feel like recurring dreams want to tell us something or at least, tells us to always remember or of fears that are yet to be confronted." Jumin was silent again so he asked instead, "Why do you ask?"

Jumin sure took his time a lot. Surprisingly, Zen was willing to wait for an answer. "I cannot properly sleep because I always have the same dream every night that wakes me up and make me unable to sleep afterwards," the heir confided. There was a slight slurring in his words, making the alcohol's influence evident.

Zen was curious and he had never felt as awake as now. It was like all his cells were eager to know, to understand the complexity in front of him in the form of Jumin Han. "What dream?"

"Jihyun," Jumin muttered. "Jihyun's death." It was faint but Zen noticed it. There was pain accompanied by Jumin saying his bestfriend's name. 

Zen tilted his head to have a proper look at Jumin and Jumin was looking at him. He almost choked for some reason but did not look away. He would feel like a loser if he did in that silent staring game. Jumin sure was attractive, not as attractive as himself, but his looks were beyond average. Zen could stun anyone with a wink, with radiant affectionate words, with fervor and a gaze of passion. However, Jumin could stun anyone with silence, without saying anything, without even moving. Just gaze into those silver eyes and if one knew what one was looking for, one would eventually find it. And he did. He had been stunned in a way different from what he could imagine. 

Behind Jumin's deep set eyes, long black lashes, visible bags underneath, the flushed cheeks of alcoholic influence, the slight mess on his hair and the frown sitting in between his brows was a silent scream of a desperate attempt to express the long rooted suffering his lips could never put weight, of a wound that could never bleed to confirm its existence. He once pointed out Jumin's inability to feel grief over his bestfriend's death when everyone else was crying their balls out while the heir was just being his usual indifferent self. God, he was wrong. He had been wrong. Jumin had cried over V's death and had been crying hence. And Zen bleed for Jumin. Tears were threatening to fall but he managed to swallow them. 

"I have a proposition," Zen heard himself say. "Human warmth is said to be an effective drowser." He watched Jumin's frown deepened in trying to comprehend his words. Jumin, Zen realized, was not as expressionless as he once thought and knowing that made him more giddy and selfish. He wanted to see more, especially the expressions lying on the positive sprectum that the heir could possibly produce or learn to express. 

"Sleep with me."

"What?" 


	11. Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nevertheless, what he found with Sarah's company was more than he could bargain for. Friendship. She was like Rika and felt like Jihyun. And with that he was certain that he would not fall in love with her like how he mistakenly fell in love with Zen.
> 
> And who else would he want to stay by his side than someone who wouldn't give him pain when she chose to turn her head away from him?

A single message was all it took for the world to crash down on his shoulders. He was Atlas once again but this time, the world had become heavier that he found himself on the floor, breaking, broken. And even his eyes betrayed him. He could not shed a tear. He was Jumin Han but now, he had become something else. He had become pain itself. 

He tried to cling unto the thread. He tried calling Zen a hundred times but to no avail. Messages left on seen. Zen left him with nothing and that was that. No, not entirely nothing but memories and an entire encyclopedia of feelings he never knew were lurking at the back of his chest. He'd known how it felt like to care. How to make ammendments met for the purpose of making a person happy. How to make peace with himself. To really forgive Jihyun for the betrayal. To let go and move forward. To love and above all, he'd known how it felt like to be loved. To be held dear. To be cared for. 

Loving and being loved by Zen had become his addiction. Zen made him feel wonderful and human, more grounded than ever before and at the same time, his spirit was rising in euphoric bliss. He had the audacity to say that he was happy. Fuck rationality, fuck logic. Zen made him the happiest man ever lived. He completely took down his guard.

The perfect frame shattered. The illusion evaporated like it was never there. And when the effect of the drug subsided, the addict fell in great despair. Zen took him to the highest heavens only to let him fall from there. He could probably bear a broken bone or two but not a broken heart. He had been absent from work for the turmoil had made him physically ill. Jumin had been hurting all over that even his personal doctor had no idea what his sickness was. The doctor even joked, "You must be lovesick Mr. Han," and laughed. And seeing Jumin's displeased, the doctor pursed his lips thin and quietly left after checking up on him. Of course, the doctor was right and the only medicine that could treat him was Zen.

Day and night, he tried calling the albino. He tried to catch him on the RFA messenger but he was never there when he was in. Despite being sick, he went to his apartment but no one answered him. He even tried coaxing the landlord with a huge sum to open Zen's room. The landlord just gave him a blank stare, tried to cover the glint of greed in his eyes. Of course, he refused first. 

"Zen wasn't there. He told me last week that he'll be staying somewhere for at least a month. You look terrible. Should I call an ambulance?" the landlord exclaimed each time. 

But as expected, the landlord eventually gave in on the third attempt. As what he had already told Jumin, the room was empty. No Zen. He even paid more to let let him stay inside the room. The landlord had been reluctant hence. However, when a person wouldn't let one in, one would eventually stop knocking. The message was clear as Zen implied in his text. 

**Zen** : Let's break things off Jumin before things get complicated. I want freedom. 

Jumin smiled bitterly as his eyes wandered around Zen's apartment one last time before he closed the door behind and did not come back again. He apologized to the landlord who had the look of dismay in his eyes for he wouldn't receive money anymore. _Humans_ , Jumin laughed in his head as he thought, _are humans after all_. He accepted his humanity. He accepted his weakness and with a pretentious smile, he bid farewell to the landlord, leaving money behind so that the landlord's greed would shame himself from leaking the story to others. Of course, money solved things. 

He increased his workload. It kept him busy and in a daze and when he was working, the thought of Zen never crossed his mind. 

"Mr. Kim, give me back the document. Let me scrutinize it again. Give me those documents. Give me more work. Let's close more deals. More sales. More projects. How about making a branch office in Russia? In Alaska? Philippines?"

More often than not, Yoosung would complain in the chatroom that Jumin had almost took over all his works. Yoosung also raised his concern about his boss' health. Jumin ignored him and other RFA members' concern. Good thing there was an ample amount of time before another RFA party. He did not want to meet Zen in person. He was not ready. Yet. But he would be ready. All he needed was time and more work. But work was not always there. So, he had to turn to alcohol. He increased his alcohol intake. He would empty three bottles before going to bed. Sometimes he passed out on his couch and suffered terrible headaches and body pains in the mornings. Nothing grave enough not be be solved by taking medicine. And when him being health conscious took over, he found comfort in sleeping tablets. He became quite dependent with them but drug dependency was better than no sleep and having thoughts of Zen. Moreover, with sleeping tablets, he could not dream or could not remember his dreams. 

Then during a dinner with his father and father's girlfriend, his father proposed an idea so obscure, it shook Jumin to the core when supposedly, nothing could shake him anymore.

"Is this a joke father?"

Chairman Han laughed. "You have to meet her," he said and his girlfriend nodded in agreement. What was her name again? Jumin could not remember and he opted not to remember. Besides, it would only a matter of time until the face of a woman besides his father would change. There was one time when his father's ex-girlfriend tried to flirt with him and openly, he glared at her in disgust. "Sarah is dear. You will like her."

He was filled with dread but because he was single and could not find an excuse not to consider his father's request, he met with Sarah Choi in a restaurant to have dinner. 

He thought Sarah was one of those gold diggers who would wag their tail at any man just to experience what wealth tasted like for a moment. So, he disliked her even before they met. Sarah turned out to be the opposite or she appeared to be. 

When she sat on the chair opposite him, she muttered, "Just tell your father you don't like me and let's pretend this never happened."

Shocked and confused, he could only mutter "What?" He thought that it was the current tactic of gold diggers, play hard to get. But the look on Sarah's eyes defined ingenuity for all its worth. And her genuine eyes, the resolve plastered on her pretty face reminded him of someone. Amidst emptiness, the pang in his chest that suddenly materialized, despite how faint, was too much to bear and Sarah's perceptive dark brown eyes observed. 

"Omg. I'm sorry Mr. Han. I'm positive that you'll hate this arrangement as much as I do. I'm sorry. Really. Even though you're very attractive," a blushed crept to her cheeks after saying that. Nevertheless, she continued, "I don't want to marry someone without feelings."

Jumin plastered his business smile. "No, you're right. I don't like this arrangement as much as you do."

Sarah became uncomfortable and brushed her fingers through her red locks out of habit to calm her nerves and in order for her to say what she wanted. Jumin Han intimidated her in a way that no matter how much she averted her gaze, she would still find herself wanting to look him in the eyes and find what secrets laid beneath those silver stoic orbs that weren't as stoic as the rumors told. 

So, she found herself asking, "Why are you in pain, Mr. Han?"

Jumin was surprised. Did he let his guard down around a stranger? When he did not answer, Sarah said, "You know what, this restaurant is too pretentious that it makes me feel suffocated. I know a more wonderful place."

_Pretentious_. Zen once called him that. And Zen also made him like that. Zen---

Sarah stood up, her hands resting on her hips as she looked down at him, her shoulder bag and long hair swinging slightly with the sudden movement and the glint in her eyes proposing a challenge. "So, are you in Mr. Han?"

As an answer, Jumin stood up too. It might be weakness and longing that urge him to take the challenge, whatever the challenge really was. Nevertheless, what he found with Sarah's company was more than he could bargain for. Friendship. She was like Rika and felt like Jihyun. And with that he was certain that he would not fall in love with her like how he mistakenly fell in love with Zen. And who else would he want to stay by his side than someone who wouldn't give him pain when she chose to turn her head away from him? With Sarah, he felt safe from experiencing the same hell as what Zen made him experience. Jumin knew he had become weak and all he could do was to compensate. Sarah Choi had become his compensation. His escape. His redemption. 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I'm tempted to go further, down the path of no return. :)  
> 2\. Updates will be at most once a day since this is the only fanfic I'm working on and I'm interested to finish.  
> 3\. I did go down the path of no return in Chapter 8.


End file.
